Divorce and children: I have a new partner

Divorce/separation is always a dramatic situation, both for the children and for the parents, which is further complicated by new partners.

Joaquín Díaz Atienza

Throughout my professional career, I have had the opportunity to observe a wide variety of situations that, depending on their complexity, require calm, balanced, and diverse responses. Let's analyze some of these possible situations, although I don't intend to cover them all.

1. Separation of a married couple with children under the age of 8, approximately

In these situations, and given that it is normal for the father to leave the usual residence, the problems in relation to the children change depending on whether they are boys or girls.

• Children, When the mother retains custody, children usually adapt quite well to the new situation, provided she doesn't decide to have a second partner. In these cases, they will resist, exhibiting adjustment symptoms, particularly anxiety, and most likely, oppositional, defiant, and threatening behavior toward the mother. If the father decides to have a second partner, the resistance is considerably less, although it will depend heavily on the relationship the second partner establishes with the child, as well as any interference from the biological mother. Of course, in both cases, the situation is not pleasant for the child.
• GirlsAnd assuming the mother retains custody, the child experiences it as a genuine situation of grief and abandonment. They will blame the mother for the separation and will try, even more intensely than the child, to reverse the situation. Depressive and anxious symptoms, behavioral changes, and regression are common (sometimes with loss of bowel and bladder control; in girls with obsessive temperaments, even encopretic episodes). They will take it worse than the child when their father has a second partner due to the greater intensity of their bond with the paternal figure, and, of course, when the mother begins a new relationship, all hope of the situation being reversed collapses. They will confront the mother, perceiving the new relationship as a betrayal of their father, even in situations where the father initiates the separation. Therefore, if this is not handled with patience and prudence, it can be a significant source of conflict.

For both boys and girls, new relationships signify a permanent return to their previous situation. Therefore, they will do everything possible to prevent it. The separation makes them feel insecure, and they fear losing their parents.

2. Separation of parents with children over eight years of age, approximately

In this situation, the new cohabitation often becomes even more complicated, although the emotional adjustment problems tend to be less intense, depending on the children's socio-emotional maturity. The suffering they experience from the separation is usually expressed more through behavior than through emotions.

The children already have a fairly realistic understanding that the new partner will have sexual relations, a problematic aspect at this age, partly because it is experienced with jealousy, as a diminishment of their sense of belonging and possession. The children are forced to share a parental figure with a stranger to whom they have no attachment. For them, this person will be an intruder who is stealing something that belongs exclusively to them. Here, too, behavioral manifestations will vary depending on gender.

• Children Children will tolerate their father's new partner relatively well, especially if the new partner is not given complete control over their children's upbringing. It's not uncommon for a child's perception of their father's new partner to manifest as a sense of superiority, a projection of a certain machismo more evident in boys ("I take my father's authority"). If the father's new partner delegates important decision-making to him, a more harmonious relationship is more likely to develop. The more the new partner interferes in the child's upbringing, the greater the likelihood of conflict. In these cases, it's not unusual to hear phrases like "you're not my mother," and the best course of action is to remain silent and avoid escalating the situation.

Regarding their mother's new partner, the children are extremely reluctant and will do everything possible to prevent the relationship from developing. The children's predominant feeling is that their mother is cheating on their father, although ultimately it is he who feels cheated, as a consequence of the lingering effects of the Oedipus complex ("the stranger who steals his mother").

I have observed children with serious behavioral problems, both towards the maternal figure and towards the new partner, whose purpose is to prevent the relationship from becoming established: they undermine their authority, insult them, and try to be hypervigilant so that they never have moments of intimacy with the partner.

• The girls, At these ages, children tend to adapt more easily. This doesn't mean they don't have their own specific problems. If the father has a new partner, this relationship will not be accepted, and he will try to involve the mother in his efforts to prevent it from becoming permanent. In these cases, it's common for the daughter to tell her mother that her father's partner forces them to do things she doesn't do, that she takes liberties that aren't hers to take, and even that she doesn't treat her well. This situation will become more or less complicated depending on the biological mother's attitude: either she clarifies the issue with her ex-husband without involving the daughter, or she believes the daughter without verifying the information with the ex-husband. They often take advantage of any disagreement between the parents to exacerbate the conflict.

If the mother has a new partner, although they don't take it well at first, in the long run they tend to tolerate it better than the children, provided the new partner stays out of their upbringing. The girls don't usually recognize the new partner's authority and take advantage of any situation to create conflict among themselves.

The age at which the most resistance is usually present is puberty and the first stage of adolescence, where other factors come into play, such as sexuality experienced in a rather confusing way and as an act of total surrender.

3. What advice is given to parents

• Before deciding to tell your children about a new partner, you must address all the emotional distress caused by the separation. They need trust and security in their parents. Introducing new elements that threaten their certainty that their parents will remain, regardless of the separation, will create uncertainty and cause them great suffering. Therefore, prudence is advised, and you should wait until your children's emotional state has stabilized enough for them to cope with the new situation.
• During the process of overcoming divorce, parents should make every effort to instill confidence in their children, helping them understand (and this is difficult) that the love each parent has for them is not in question. It is crucial here not to project our feelings of anger, frustration, or resentment onto our children in an attempt to justify the decision that has been made. Children do not fully understand our reasons, and besides, they are not the ones separating.
• Let's not try to force all the disagreements, unpleasant situations, infidelities, mistreatment—in short, all the reasons that led to our breakup—into our children's minds. They will understand and form their own opinions when they are old enough or have managed to overcome the negative emotions they experienced before, during, and after the separation.

This is still a general overview and, therefore, will not address every single situation that typically arises. Anyone wishing to delve deeper into this important topic for our children can do so through [the following resource/resource]. CONTACT FORM.