Domestic violence: The children of hate, the greatest victims

Joaquín Díaz Atienza - Child Psychiatrist (updated June/2025)

Regarding domestic and gender-based violence, legislation should always prioritize the best interests of the child.

I must admit that I'm talking about hell. that I have witnessed. When the children of a couple, separated or not, end up in the doctor's office children's mental health We face situations where parents are deeply at odds, most of the time "violently" confrontedThe children have become secondary, when they are not being used as a weapon against each other: threats of losing custody or guardianship; they blame each other for the children's psychological problems with an obvious intention to blackmail, etc. And something we find more and more frequently is that parents only listen to the therapist when their opinion coincides with their own.

Children's reactions depend on the situation. When they witness violence between their parents, they become fearful and face the dilemma of not wanting to upset either parent, especially when the aggression is verbal. When it's physical, they are afraid of the aggressor (as you might understand, the vast majority of physical aggression is perpetrated by men against women).

To address psychologically the problems that children may present, which must always be approached in a way that gives absolute priority to the best interests of the child, we cannot fall into the trap that adults set for us with the sole purpose of using us as pawns in their dealings with the child. his personal interests, versus his need for revengeIn most cases, they only wish to satisfy their narcissistic needs for reparation through revenge, especially the men.

In such a flawed scenario, where everyone tries to impose their will on the therapist his own account of the eventsosChildren have it very difficult, especially when both parents solemnly declare that their children are the most important thing to them—a message that completely contradicts what we often observe. Dismantling this is a Herculean task because these are absolutely contradictory perceptions and attitudes. mentally consolidated.

SITUATIONS WHERE PRIMARY PREVENTION AGAINST VIOLENCE IS NECESSARY

The main risk situation for the domestic violence It begins with what is called "emotional divorce"This situation places couples in a complex crisis, because while they no longer "understand" each other, they face a wide variety of very difficult dilemmas, especially when children are involved. I will limit myself to those I consider most important:

1. 1. 1. Disaffection is not usually simultaneous.

This leads to resistance to the breakup on the part of the person who still wants to stay in the relationship. This is the first source of conflict, with very deep emotional roots. It is often one of the most significant sources of conflict.

I've encountered situations, especially with women, where they've even been willing to sacrifice their dignity, submitting to any demand from their partner just to keep him. These are situations of absolute psychological dependence, deeply ingrained in some women's personalities. Is this a cultural phenomenon? Or are they due to specific individual circumstances? I'm more inclined to believe the latter.

2. Child custody and guardianship and how to manage it legally.

Another source of conflict, closely related to the previous one, is that the partner who doesn't want to end the relationship often uses the children to pressure the other into maintaining a situation that is already irreversible. This creates a new scenario where violence escalates, although its intensity will depend on the emotional maturity of each partner, as mentioned earlier. It is very common that both use the custody and guardianship measures to continue attacking each other, increasingly diluting their parental obligations and focusing primarily on how to harm their classmate. Yes, everything is done for my children! You'll never hear any other argument.

3. Does the relationship break down because of infidelity or because they no longer find anything in common to keep them together?

In the first case, the grief, the personal wounds, and the questions that arise leave the victim feeling so bewildered and hurt that they may go from wondering what they did wrong, what the other person has that they don't, what the other person gives that they haven't given… It always involves a crisis in personal self-esteem of very profound dimensionsOr adopt one passive and self-blaming attitudeor rebels against the situation. Whatever existential situation is experienced, it is always a source of conflict that will jeopardize a peaceful break.

In the second case, if they are aligned, which is not common, separations usually occur with little conflict. If they are not aligned, increased conflict is guaranteed.

4. Situations of family conflict due to abuse.

We shouldn't have to resort to such tragic situations as murder. When this happens, something has gone wrong, and we all bear some responsibility. Parents, when we raise our children and fail to instill in them from a young age the equality of rights and obligations between men and women and how to resolve conflicts respectfully, are also at fault. And of course, if we lead by example in our own families, we are sowing the seeds of aggression as a coping mechanism for what we don't agree with, as a way to resolve disagreements.

It can also fail with the enactment of clearly discriminatory laws towards men simply for being men and based on a de-ideologized intention to end male violence through "to turn the tables"I am convinced that the prevailing narrative among the "Female supremacist" feminismThe enactment of laws that violate the dignity of man in general, transforming him into the sole culprit of domestic violence, will not solve the problem. ancestral predominant machismoIt is needed More education and less repressionI already said so. Antonio Gramsci, It is culture, equal education, that will create new men and women. These repressive laws, anthropophobic, They only serve to fuel hatred between men and women. Today we see it in that 21st century leftHaving run out of class struggle, although it may seem like a cliché, it has resorted to the struggle between the sexes, something irritating, hate-generating and which will inevitably contribute to postponing or breaking that necessary coexistence. It is not sisterhood that is neededbut policies of understanding and respect, of genuine equality, between men and women.

I would like to support this personal opinion with the statistics on murdered women (Table 1.) These statistics demonstrate that the path taken is not effective enough, despite a slight decrease observed until 2018, before skyrocketing again to 55 cases in 2019, at least from a [the] perspective Primary preventionThis situation, despite small fluctuations in incidence, continues to persist.

Table 1. ¹

SECONDARY PREVENTION

Ideally, we should focus on primary prevention. This first step in prevention should involve providing standardized and without social or gender stigmatizationThe possibility of seeking help from family therapy professionals can prevent an irrational escalation of aggression from becoming established and entrenched within the family. This is where resources and public education should be focused.

However, this is not always possible. In these cases, one must to involve men in the fight against gender violence and not label them all as presumed murderers simply for being men"Death to the male," a slogan widely disseminated among female-dominated feminism, clearly dominated by queer antifeminist ideology.

In a matter as complex as domestic violence, we cannot fall into the trap of the Manichean error that every man is guilty and every woman is a victimEach situation will have to be analyzed individually. Ultimately, it is the judges who must resolve the complaints filed and, in the meantime, take the appropriate protective measures. At the slightest evidence of gender-based violence, the woman and her children must be protected, period, with whatever measures are necessary, I insist, and without sparing any resources.

However, THE CHILDREN, are not part of the lot mother/children or father/children, but of PARENTS/CHILDREN y As long as this is not prioritized over any other consideration, the children will continue to be victims.

The decree says about from 9/2018 on Gender Violencethat the children will receive psychological therapy, regardless of what the father thinks. Well, in my opinion, it should depend on each case. You can't generalize, unless it's a anti-father law (men) simply for being a father. This measure is part of a vindictive mindset that considers not only the father guilty, but also the children, by excluding him from decision-making on matters that affect his children, based on the prejudice that the  "A woman is always right."

Of course, if the father has been proven to be an abuserIf the children have witnessed this abuse, the mother should assume custody, and depending on the severity, the abuser's parental rights should even be considered. However, it is not the ex-partner who proves the father is an abuser and must assess the severity of the abuse. but rather the justice system and the psychosocial team that advises itTherefore, giving decision-making power to someone who does not hold the power to administer justice seems to me to be absolutely malicious, partisan, and unfair.

Let's not forget that Aggression in its various forms is inherent to human beings, whether male or female.. However, Peaceful coexistence is possible if we educate our children in tolerance and respect. to all the diverse groups that make up society. But even more importantly, it must be borne in mind that this education in non-violence must be taught by example and in a realistic way. Children who have witnessed or suffered domestic violence have a harder time because these are experiences that leave a mark. They need to be "reprogrammed" (a word with negative connotations that we will analyze in other posts about Gardner's Parental Alienation Syndrome) and made to understand that their experiences are exceptions. Precisely for this reason, We must not allow situations of family abuse to become chronic. through unfair judicial measures (judicial abuse), but always thinking about the need for the children who are victims of these situations to overcome their traumas.

 

1. Of course, this statistic reflects more gender-based violence than domestic violence itself.