Separation anxiety at the start of school can be normal
Joaquín Díaz Atienza
INTRODUCTION
This September, many children will start school for the first time. Parents have been preparing for this moment, encouraging them to overcome their fears. Not all children will react the same way: some will cry bitterly at their parents' sadness and anxiety, and at the teachers' dismissive words. Others, on the contrary, will behave as if it were perfectly normal for them, adapting quickly and separating from their parents without any problem.
We're talking about separation anxiety.
What is separation anxiety?
Simply put, separation anxiety is normal in any child, although its intensity will vary depending on their temperament and level of insecurity. It manifests as emotional symptoms (crying and tantrums) and behavioral symptoms (negativity, refusal to be left alone) when left at school.
The intensity with which these symptoms are expressed will depend primarily on several circumstances:
- Child's attachment style: The more insecure the attachment, the greater the severity of the symptoms and the longer they will last.
- Parental anxietyIf an insecure attachment is associated with an anxious attachment figure, the difficulties in resolving the situation will be greater.
It's common to find children who fear that something might happen to them in their parents' absence, or that something bad might happen to their parents while they're away. This latter fear is more frequent in anxious mothers/fathers who haven't fostered much autonomy and independence in their children.
How does it evolve?
It usually lasts from one day to one week. If the situation becomes complicated, it will not only last longer, but the symptoms will be more intense and varied: vomiting, insomnia, irritability, frequent crying at home, and even functional physical symptoms such as headaches, fever, loss of previously acquired bowel and bladder control, etc. When this complication occurs, we speak of school phobia.
How should we act?
The first thing we must do is reassure our child. We should prepare them for what will happen on their first day of school, eliminating any messages that might make them feel insecure. Instead, we should give them reassuring messages about this great opportunity to make new friends, the wide variety of games they will play, how nice the teacher is, and that if they need to use the restroom or anything else, they shouldn't worry and should just tell the teacher, who will help them because she's a friend. And of course, as soon as they finish, everyone will be there to pick them up.
Although it's common for them, at least during the first few days, not to "listen" to us and to insist they don't want to go to school, we must remain calm and firm in this situation. Many of the problems arise because, faced with our child's anxiety, we tend to back down and not leave them at school "so they don't suffer!", "because they're too young!", etc.
For us to succeed more easily, the teacher's help is crucial. They should help us facilitate the separation quickly and give reassuring messages, personalizing the welcome as much as possible.
If the situation resolves itself within two weeks at most, it's a normal separation anxiety, typical of childhood emotional development, and there's no need to worry. So, good luck to the parents, and please help your child get started in social life! It's important to help them overcome their fears and learn to cope successfully, and school is a great opportunity to do so.
I hope this brief explanation is sufficient for those parents who have to face this situation that worries some of them so much.
